Monday, January 3, 2011

A Start of Something New

Well, this isn't High School Musical. This is my New Year post. I wasn't able to make a year-end post because my mind is all cluttered. My travel blog has been in hiatus for a long time and this personal blog has done no progress either. I've been thinking and I've been thinking a lot. Over thinking is a weakness of mine. I tend to think too much about too many. I guess I'm crazy.

I was silently struggling for the past year. I've been questioning a lot of things including the existence of God, who I am, and what the heck is wrong with me. I thought I was all good, I thought I was well grounded until I took Introductory Philosophy for the second time around more than a year ago. I had one of the most respected professors in the Philosophy department as my professor. She's known in the University for teaching Philosophy really really good and she would make you think; she would make you question. And I did. I still haven't found answers to my questions. I was really really close to believing that God does not exist. I guess there are no answers, that's why it's called faith. Logically, there may be no God. But why am I in tears? I don't know

Maybe there is after all? And I am crushed inside because I know deep down inside that I have hurt Him. I questioned. I doubted. Maybe if going to church was optional for me, I think I may have stopped attending a long time ago. Looking back, I can't believe this is actually happening to me. I was brought up in a Christian church. I was very active. I went to a Christian school for 11 years. My faith was so strong back then. I can't believe I am losing it know. And I don't like the feeling of it.

Last Christmas Eve I suddenly bursted into tears while the church choir was singing. I miss being a part of the choir. I guess I miss serving the God I used to believe in. But how can one go back when you have done something terribly wrong in the past and instead of having support around you, to help you get get up, you find yourself being like a cast away. You feel like the everyone and everything has turned it's back on you. And guess what, it freakin hurts.

It's been 3 years and I haven't really moved on. And it sucks big time. I haven't prayed since then. I refuse to pray. I don't like touching my Bible. I just want to let it be. I don't know.

I was in Powerbooks Greenbelt last September and I found myself in the spiritual/inspirational section of the bookstore. I knew I was losing faith and I needed something to help me. Maybe a book? I bought a book and a devotional. I haven't read the book till now and I just touched the devotional today. Technically, it's already January 3. To me, it's still January 2. So I am just 1 day late. So let me share what it says:

"God is the God of forgiveness and second chances. By admitting our areas of failure, and committing to turn from past wrongs, we are allowed a fresh start."

It's 2011. It's a new year. I guess this is the perfect time to start all over. So is there a God? Have faith.

This emo-ness is already long. I guess I should wrap it up.

I guess what I am trying to say here is that my major goal for 2011 is too start all over and build a new relationship with God. How and where to start? I dunno. I'll ask around.

Cheers to 2011!

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